I guess I won't be the first one to ask: Why can't I just get on and do what I have to do to be happier with myself? I know what is the right thing to do; in fact, I am really good at telling people about how to make the right choices in their life. However, I've learnt over the years that knowing the right thing and doing the right thing are two totally different notions. It's a bit like knowing what to say, but speaking out words that don’t mean what you intended.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Let's see now; I've read tons of books that were motivational, spiritual, or technical and I've signed up for newsletters that deliver self-help articles into my mailbox. I tried to do all kinds of stuff to get me doing things that I enjoy (yes, believe it or not). I tried setting goals, give myself rewards and I even tried visualizing. All those methods that work miracles in others life only worked a few days for me. I don't understand. I love writing, and most of the feedback I get are positive, so why can't I sit down and write.
There is one thing I have to admit though; my mind is totally 'undisciplined'. Is there such a thing as Short-Attention-Span Syndrome amongst writers? I can't seem to keep my mind focused on anything for too long. Each time I concentrate on one thing, something will trigger me to branch out to another area and I can't stop myself. In fact, right now, I am using an electronic sheet with pre-arranged trigger words to keep me focus on writing this article.
This is by far the best arrangement I've had with my 'writing mood'. I have a lot of stories that I want to write, but I can't make myself type into a blank screen long enough to write out a scene. I kept getting sidetrack. One time I thought that it could be because I don't have the skill to write, so I soaked up anything I could on grammar and sentence structures. Again, the solution worked for a while, but it was still incomplete.
I have to admit though, my procrastination had actually started me on a journey of self-discovery and it was a journey that I enjoyed immensely. I have learnt to be kinder to myself and to the people around me. I have learnt to let people be people instead of trying to change them into ideal humans. Life has become a lot less stressful and I met wonderful people along the way.
In retrospect, a bad thing is only bad if you think it is.
So, does that mean that I've learnt to live with my bad discipline? No, I am still unhappy about it. It's very frustrating to keep something inside that you want to share but you haven't. Am I trying too hard, or am I just not what I suppose myself to be?
One time I imagined my thoughts as molecules and pondered that if I was a focused person, then I would be able to create a concentrated mass because my molecules would be tight and close together. Yet what if I am like water, with less restrained molecules, or even air. Does that mean I can never be a focused writer? Was I relieved to learn that air and water can be contained in a vessel. This metaphor had given me the idea of creating a structure to apply to my writing.
A little ironic, really. Especially when I consider how I hate being restricted. I feel stifled, I squirmed in my seat, and I deliberated over every single word with a pout. The end result, it worked. I am always happy I sit down and finish my articles no matter how grouchy I started out. Go figure.
If you have the same problem, maybe you can try this technique. Find samples that you like;
articles, books or brochures. Ask yourself what you like about it in general then break
the article down into pieces. For example, I use the following structure to write out
this paragraph.
A general description, usually in the form of a title, will help you stay focus so remember to keep it in sight the whole time. The instructions will trigger you into thinking about different aspects that you want to include in your writing. I also find that this allows me to present my thoughts in a less confusing way to my readers.
My problem, however, is far from being solved. The best thing I can do now is to make myself feel so guilty about not writing, I will write. I am even keeping a progress chart to fuel my conscience. At least I get to go to sleep with a smile on my face. Maybe I procrastinate because there is a part of me that doesn't believe I deserve to be happy. Ah well, another journey to self-discovery.
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